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2003-07-26 - 2:59 p.m. I just don't get it, I really don't. I have such an amazing life in all reality, and still I have to wallow so much for what I don't have? I could be all vague and such like I usually am... because certain people I know read this. But you know what, it's really got to the point where I just don't care what anyone else thinks anymore. I'm about to break down, and I gotta say what I have to. I think my greatest fear in life is to be alone. Not so weird, I know. But I thought I was past the whole "I need a boyfriend" grade nine stage. And yet there are times when I just feel so left out of everything... so on my own and no chance whatsoever that anyone I meet will ever love me. I get so jealous when I watch my brother and his girlfriend; I feel so alone when I see my sister talk to people I know and they enjoy her company more and don't even talk to me. I feel so betrayed when people I know first start becoming friends with her and talk to her more. Everywhere I look I see people who love eachother. I don't just mean the boyfriend/girlfriend kind of love... I mean love in general. And everytime I look I feel so left out. I don't want to be alone. Does anyone? But I've left everything behind and everyone that I'd ever thought cared about me doesnt listen when I need someone to talk to. Everyone that I'd ever thought cared about me aren't around when I need them most. And can I blame them really? Most of that I've brought on myself. Since I'm telling this all anyway (though I doubt anyone really reads this anyway), I might as well tell it all. Last week I got upset when I saw that 'friends' were talking to my sister (on IM) and no one even cared when I came on. Today I got extremely upset when I glanced and saw that one of my 'friends' that I haven't talked to for a whole was emailing my own sister. Even now I feel dumb writing this. This must look incredibly stupid. But if I'm gonna be honest I'm gonna to be honest. I know I can't blame them. It's not their fault. I'm probably just being completely stupid... but I'm just so afraid that I'm going to be alone. I say I don't want to marry... yet somehow I suspect that that's just a facade because I'm afraid that I'll never get the chance to. Setting myself up for failure may be less painful I suppose. I don't even know where all of this came from. This was going to be posted in my private diary... I don't know what on earth convinced me to put it here. It's strange to think that just this morning I was perfectly happy and full of joy in all that's been given to me... and now I'm like this. Heh, I don't think I've ever been so honest to the world. Or myself for that matter.
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